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Past is back.

It turns out that having Dad move here, trying to help him, and being rejected by him yet again has ripped the skin off old wounds. I should have known better, but I just had to try to be the good daughter one more time. After he left, I felt great for a few days-- he was gone, I'd done my best, and life could go back to normal. But it hasn't. Suicidal thoughts I haven't had in years are bouncing around my head again. I am fragile and raw-- over sensitive-- again. My self hate knows no bounds. I shouldn't have put myself out there and tried to help him. It is so clear now that he is incapable of seeing or feeling outside his own skin. I see that, but still feel like the worthless, hopeless pile of shit I knew myself to be all my childhood and early adulthood. Feelings I had thought banished are as present and robust as ever. How can the results of all my work vanish so quickly?  How can my stable, happy life start to peel away leaving me back where I started?  How can one old, sick, mean man have such power over my life?

New Song

I got my crazy from you.
Kept tryin hard to break through
The wall around you
That keeps everyone far.
You just can't
See what you did, 
How you nearly broke us as kids,
And made us fight just to find
Who we are. 
I tried my best to love you 
Get you to love me, too
Like you really should to ones who can't fight.
But the anger you dealt
Was all that anyone felt,
And even then we knew it just wasn't right. 
I got my crazy from you
It runs deep in your veins
Spreading pain
On everything that remains. 
Once I  thought I'd be crazy, too,
Be stuck living like you do,
Had to work hard to try to be sane. 
Sometimes I do feel  insane,
I can't remember my name,
Afraid I'm drowning and will never get air,
It's no surprise that I'm lost
And I'm still paying the cost
But no one promised me that life would be fair. 
Now you  need me,
And yet still you can't see,
And your blindness still hurts like a knife. 
I'll do whatever I can,
'Cos I still love you, old man,
Even though your crazy put a scar on my life. 
I got my crazy from you
It runs deep in your veins
Spreading pain
On everything that remains. 
For a long time thought I'd be crazy, too,
Be stuck living like you do,
Had to work hard to try to be sane. 

In which I have daddy issues.

My dad is moving to my town and my state in a bit under 2 weeks. It's causing massive chaos in my life on several fronts. I've had to manage his long distance anxiety, find him a residence, buy furniture & other basics to set it all up for him. This has taken time and resulted in missed work and lost wages. On the other hand, it's made an 85 year old man left by his wife a month shy of their 60th wedding anniversary quite happy.   Emotionally it's been a roller coaster. We've fought most of our lives as he is a depressed narcissist with a mean streak and I am stubborn and without patience. No one else wants him. I know it's his own fault for being such a mean bastard, but I can't just step aside and see him abandoned. That's either my strength or my weakness. Or both, I guess. He really is very damaged and has hobbled through life the best he could, I suppose. And I love the s o b. Hes Daddy. Right now I'm taking care of him do all is well. But I'm not sure how it will all unfold once reality seeps in. He's paranoid, too. Is convinced that Mom has been fucking around on him which couldn't be more untrue. It's so very sad. I think I'm about to have a lot to journal about. I am in no way under his thumb any longer and can maintain boundaries-- he CANNOT stay at my house, abuse me or my family, etc-- so it should be easier to manage than when I ws vulnerable to his whims. However, he can still stir up shit in my head if he gets a mind to. He seems to think this move will be bliss and solve all his problems. I'm not sure how the disappointment will manifest itself but I have some fear that it won't be pretty. My middle sister has taken on Mom and my baby sister has become too stressed and too fragile to handle him. So, it's the Becca and Dad show. Stay tuned for the saga. 


Ever since my parents, married for 59 years, split up, I've been going crazy. It isn't consciously bothering me--at least no more than making sure Dad doesn't go too nuts and trying to do my share to help out--but my partner says I'm super sensitive and upset by everything. Her prime example is the slow burn I've been experiencing ever since she told me a week ago that she doesn't think I have a very special singing voice. Why now, after 17 years, she chooses to say something is beyond me. She says it's because I asked her. Believe me, I have asked her once or twice before in all that time, and she has never felt the need to come clean. And she did it in a rather mean way, too, if you ask me. She said, " you sing too loudly. You weren't even the best singer in the 100 woman choir". I could have done without that clarification.  I have always been told by choir directors and others that I had a particularly good voice. Now, at 53, the range has narrowed and the vibrato has widened, but it was still what I thought of as my sole talent. I'm just not sure I wouldn't have been moody and sulky about it even if my parents were glibly sailing toward year #60.   So, am I a narcissistically wounded hystrionic or shaken by the long needed but never expected break up of the parent set?  Both?  And if it's my parents throwing me into such gloom, why am I not more aware of it on a conscious level???  All you exceptionally sane people out there--have any answers for a poor, neurotic in despair?


Ok. Life is suddenly going crazy all at once. My job is weird. Great mgr & friend let go and replacement has no idea how to run an mental health office. Getting $500 pay checks. Can't live on that. My partner is suddenly acting all weird--rude and insensitive after almost 17 yrs together. "no reason". My 77 yr old mother finally left my emotionally abusive and controlling 85 yr old father, and he is going nuts. Changing his phone #, keeping secrets, calling or texting Mom 12-15 times a day, telling me he is suicidal, denying that he is doing and saying things we see him do & say. This is all too much. What the fuck is happening?  Is it the end times or something?!?!?!

Weirdness happening

After such a long time of doing nothing except work when I must, read, eat at home or out, watch TV, sleep or go online, I actually went out today and took photos. A simple thing, but vastly outside my usual. Generally, anything that takes effort and is not absolutely necessary is just too much of a bother. Don't know what it means, but I'm hopeful. 


I am lying in bed listening to thunder and steady rain. After months of harsh, punishing drought that turned lake beds into wasteland, the rain has finally come to east Texas. The small lake outside my window is beginning to fill again and cover the tall, grassy weeds that have grown where the fish used to jump and the turtles basked in the sun on logs that stuck up out of the water. For many in Texas, water has been rationed and there have been rumors of some small towns running out altogether.  For these reasons, the rain sounds particularly succulent, mouthwateringly welcome, like a ripe peach on a hot summer day. 
My children lay sleeping down the hall. This evening has been a happy one with laughter, friends, and 13-year-old birthday celebrations. Amazingly little brother-on -brother antagonism, especially considering that one received gifts and the other didn't.
 I feel peaceful and content as the evening ends. I wonder why this kind of feeling is so rare for me. My partner breathes deeply beside me, already asleep. When the anxiety is absent and calm descends, I must pause to appreciate it as I appreciate the rain. 

I'm really alive. Honest. Still.

So just thought I'd let you lj friend-types know I'm still here. Been an odd month or so. My friend had to leave the place where we work because our boss is a jerk and put her in a position in which she had no other choice. I've no respect for him at all. I want to help her but the only way I could do that would put me at risk and she refuses to let me do it. Very frustrating. Need to find new work but am so spoiled to setting my own days/hours... I'm not sure I could do a 9-5 job anymore. I get so tired and seem to need extra rest just to get up and get things done. Maybe if I exercised and went back to eating vegan, but both of those things seem like just too much effort. Lazybones. My family is well and happy which is good. Sam didn't make regional band, but he seems ok with it. He had serious nerves during the audition. I totally get that. We are going into Dallas on Thursday to celebrate Thanksgiving by going out to eat with my sister-in-law and niece. Just found out today that one of my best friends and her kids will be coming, too, so it should be fun. I feel so lucky to have met Laura. She and I truly have so much in common it's spooky. I feel validated and even somewhat normal with her, which us fantastic. I think she feels the same way, and my partner enjoys her, too. Win/win. Some tension at home right now as my partner is over worked and exhausted and I've been stressed and lazy. But I figure if we've made it almost 17 years, no one is going anywhere now.

Well, it's been delightful to ramble. Sorry at being such a poor lj-er but will try to do better. Mostly I just think, " who would want to hear about my boring life?".


Haven't posted in a while. One of those moods, I suppose. Now sitting out back watching the water having just taken a dip in the hot tub. Had a great conversation about life, God and insanity with a friend here last night. She had gone with me to watch me work for a project required by one of her college classes. Interesting to see the familiar through someone else's eyes. Makes me think that perhaps what I do actually does do some good and I don't see that often because of all the BS shoved down my throat as a child. I used to think that if I worked hard enough I could completely rid myself of the effects of all the negativity and abuse. Now I realize that I must learn to accept myself in spite of it. Talking to my friend last night, I let myself share some of the things that I secretly fear will cause others to judge or reject me. It felt good to be able to trust that this wouldn't happen. And it didn't. Ta Da. If you've been in that place, you will know it meant a lot.

To Girlleastlikely

Hope you have a good birthday!